In my dysfunctional family, forgiveness equals acting like nothing ever happened. It doesn’t involve apologies or
acknowledgements or even healing.
Forgiveness has everything to do with letting it blow over, sweeping it
under the rug, and never mentioning it again. If
you aren’t successful in supplying the forgiveness (and the faster the better),
well . . . to borrow the words of Abi Sutherland of Making Light, it “becomes a
stick to beat [the sufferers] over the head with. Holding grudges. Unforgiving.
Hard. Bitter. Angry, with the subtext of unjustifiably.”
I
have been beaten with that “unforgiveness stick.” Wow, it is hard to rush getting over
something, especially while protecting yourself from that flailing stick! I don’t want to linger in a state of
resentment any more than anyone else wants me to. Even so, all I have ever gained from “hurrying
up to forgive” is a good case of suppression. By the way, suppressing feelings and needs
doesn’t leave me in a very functional place psychologically; it takes a huge
amount of emotional energy to hold back my feelings and needs, and ultimately,
it just doesn’t work out very well.
So
how do we get past resentment and get to forgiveness? Rob Voyle, a psychologist and Episcopal priest
experienced in guiding groups through the process of forgiving, says this: Resentment “is a current demand that someone
or something in the past should have been different.” Obviously, such a demand is futile. The past can’t be changed. So why do we hold on to these insane demands?
Voyle
explains that when we feel hurt by someone, it is because one of our values has
been violated. It seems to me that muscling
our way through forgiveness often ends in our violating that value even more.
So
if our resentment is protecting a value, and the inability to forgive results
from resentment, how can we move forward without further violating the
value?
This
is the best part! It’s easy and
profoundly effective. Voyle says we
simply have to change our demand that the past should have been
different into a preference . . . just a simple alteration in our
thinking. The preference affirms our
values while releasing us from the impossible demand.
Voyle
suggests we do this by going through visualization exercises in which we tell
our perpetrators our preferences. Voyle
says to be very specific in our requests during these visualization
exercises. (I should add that Voyle
guides people through healing exercises that deal with trauma before he takes
them through visualization exercises in which they speak to their perpetrator. Voyle’s process includes significant foundational
work to prepare people for this step in the forgiveness process. Here is a link
to his website if you want to learn more: http://www.clergyleadership.com/).
So
through visualization, we revisit our painful memories, expressing our
preferences for how we would have liked to have been treated.
I
love this! I can actually do
this!
Here
is a very simple example. Thinking of my
mother becoming my cheerleading sponsor against my will and the pain that
resulted from that throughout my high school years, I might say to my
mother: “I would have preferred that my boundaries had
been honored, and that you would have heard my pleas that you not become my
sponsor. I would have loved it if you would
have said, ‘If you would rather me not be your sponsor, I won’t do it! I just want you to enjoy your experience as a
cheerleader.’ I wish that you could have seen me as a separate person and could
have seen that cheerleading belonged to me.
I wish you could have seen my cheerleading as my amazing opportunity to
spread my wings and experience my teenage years in their fullest.”
One
of the beautiful things about this exercise is that when I do it, I don’t feel
myself getting wound up by the crazy details of the experiences. Rather I feel the calm of hearing myself composing
some amazingly compassionate and kind responses to myself. I also
hear myself articulating some powerful values. It seems that in this process, I acknowledge and honor the good that God has planted
within me. It is a life-giving and
loving process.
For
me, this process moves forgiveness from an exercise in trying to “overlook” to
an exercise in trying to “inward look,” with questions such as, “What value is
it that I would have loved to have had honored?
What would I have loved to have had happen?” It seems that rather than pushing forward, I
am settling in. Rather than turning my
eyes the other way in order to get away from the pain, I am looking closer and
naming the pain. Even better, I am
naming the actions and words that would have felt good and would have respected
the values within me.
I
can do this kind of forgiveness! It is
authentic, genuine, rooted, and it honors everyone.
Ahh,
but here is the crux! If you are trying
to forgive while existing in a corrupt system that continues to violate your
values, that forgiveness is going to be short lived as you continue to suffer
and as resentment continues to arise to protect your values. Here is where it is so important to
distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation. Voyle says this:
“Forgiveness is purely about how I personally resolve what has
happened to me in the past. Reconciliation is an agreement between two people
about how they will live and work together in the future. And here is the big rule:
Never be reconciled to someone who
does not share your values.
Jesus forgave the Romans, he forgave the Pharisees, but he was
never reconciled to them or their mission.”
Even after reading Voyle’s work over and over for a couple of
years, this statement, “Never be reconciled to someone who does not share your
values” still leaves me spinning. Here,
I think of the rules of a dysfunctional family. These
very rules that my family lives by violate my value system. Never be reconciled to someone who does
not share your values. This looks,
sounds, smells, and tastes like permission to step away from this crazy-making
three-ring circus that is my family of origin.
But then I find myself gasping for air as panic sets in, Is this the end? Is it over with my family? And . . . is this loss or gain?
I know that for now, I long for peace. The pain by far outweighs the joy. But wishing my family well and departing is
bittersweet. Fortunately, Voyle has a
step by step process for dealing with grief as well. Maybe I will tackle that in my next post.