Throughout my teenage years, my parents threw the word “co-dependent” around. They had gotten a bit of counselling and had
taken on some handy lingo including this word. I can’t remember what their exact ideas about
co-dependency were, but I do remember it always had to do with “the other
parent’s behavior,” or with them letting us know that whatever they themselves
did, it couldn’t “make” us feel anyway; rather our feelings were our choice. In other words, they could be real jerks, but
it was our choice to feel angry or hurt in response their behavior. Yes, for them “codependent” was sophisticated
term that gave them further permission to abdicate all responsibility for
themselves.
I
hated the word. Really hated it. And that is unfortunate . . . because it is
only now, at age 40, that I have returned to that word to discover what it
really means and have found within it a wealth of insight and
understanding. Robert Subby, author of Lost
in the Shuffle: The Co-dependent Reality says this:
“Co-dependency” is the denial or repression of the real self. It is based on the wrong belief that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness and salvation are all dependent upon one’s ability to do “the right thing.”
