Oh, that word! Codependency . . .

Throughout my teenage years, my parents threw the word “co-dependent” around.  They had gotten a bit of counselling and had taken on some handy lingo including this word.  I can’t remember what their exact ideas about co-dependency were, but I do remember it always had to do with “the other parent’s behavior,” or with them letting us know that whatever they themselves did, it couldn’t “make” us feel anyway; rather our feelings were our choice.  In other words, they could be real jerks, but it was our choice to feel angry or hurt in response their behavior.  Yes, for them “codependent” was sophisticated term that gave them further permission to abdicate all responsibility for themselves.

                            

I hated the word.  Really hated it.  And that is unfortunate . . . because it is only now, at age 40, that I have returned to that word to discover what it really means and have found within it a wealth of insight and understanding.  Robert Subby, author of Lost in the Shuffle: The Co-dependent Reality says this:

“Co-dependency” is the denial or repression of the real self.  It is based on the wrong belief that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness and salvation are all dependent upon one’s ability to do “the right thing.”

Oh . . . and wow . . . I have been trying to do the “right thing” my whole life.  Trying so very hard to be “appropriate,” to understand the rules, to follow the rules, to apologize immediately when I have broken the rules.  Trying not to tax my friendships with too much neediness (and actually deciding there is definitely a “no neediness allowed rule”—noted and subsequently followed), trying to be positive in conversation, to listen well, respond empathetically without psychologizing or undermining or storytelling or dramatizing, trying to contribute in helpful ways—but not too much and not too little, trying to control my excitement and not let myself get carried away ever.  Trying to watch people whom I deemed appropriate and follow their lead.  This is what I have done in order to be lovable, acceptable, secure (right!), and successful with friends. 

How has this gone for me?  I am exhausted.  Totally, completely exhausted.  And, at forty, I am virtually friendless!  =)  Oh, I have my beautiful husband who is the best friend I could ever ask for, but girl friends . . . not much going on for me.  Can you believe it!  And it is this way because it is so exhausting to try to be that perfect that I just keep people emotionally at a distance.  When I get close to someone, I begin second guessing myself, listening to myself talking and scrutinizing my every word, analyzing their responses to me, and always wondering if I am getting it right.  And when finally, I decide I am definitely not getting it right and they surely must be feeling annoyed and tired of me, I feel relieved to begin the process of superficializing the relationship.  I pull back ever so gently, so as not to give any indication that there is conflict (because there isn’t), and when I get far enough away to feel safe, I am overcome with relief and so glad that I can just live for a while. 

I have mastered, beyond mastered if I may say so myself, superficial friendly conversation.  I have happy acquaintances all over town . . . cashiers, grocers, neighbors and other mothers I cross paths with at kid events . . . that I love to talk with: we talk weather, weekend plans, woes and joys of raising kids, all things lighthearted, easy and breezy.  Sometimes, I wonder if this is really what “normal” relationships are, this light, easy, nonthreatening connection.  But wondering what is “normal” is part of co-dependency as well, isn’t it. 

So this is where I am.  This is just a tiny piece of what co-dependency is about in my life, but a very important piece.  And it is a dangerous piece that threatens my children, as I find myself excessively correcting them to keep them “appropriate” in their interactions with others.  And how can I give them room to make mistakes when I can’t give myself room to make mistakes?  Perfectionism . . . another part of the co-dependent picture.    

I believe that deep down inside of myself, there is someone spontaneous, fun, and alive who is eager to emerge and be free, but who can’t emerge until she is sure she is safe.  I absolutely can’t wait to meet her!  I think others will like her quite a lot, and she will have loads of meaningful friendships.   

With Eager Anticipation,
One Escaping Goat