The Wacked Out Rules of a Codependent System

Before it occurred to me to explore family roles and discovered I was a scapegoat, I was simply reading about codependent family patterns, which brought Ah ha! moment after ah ha! moment for me.  I saw the rules of codependent families and thought, “Oooh, I never learned those rules!  Forget actually following  them!”  Now I can add to my understanding of the rules, that it was my breaking of those very rules that made me a prime candidate for the role of scapegoat.  Robert Subby in his book Lost in the Shuffle: The Codependent Reality, lists the rules as follows:

                    

1. It’s not okay to talk about problems.
2. It’s not okay to talk about or express our feelings openly.
3. Communication is best if indirect, with something or someone acting as messenger   between two other people.  This is called triangulation.  It’s you and me and the kids; you and me and the job; you and me and the checkbook; never just you and me.
4. Unrealistic expectations – Always be strong, always be good, always be perfect, always be happy.
5. Don’t be selfish.
6. Do as I say, not as I do.
7. It’s not okay to play or be playful.
8. Don’t rock the boat.
9. Don’t talk about sex.

Oh, that word! Codependency . . .

Throughout my teenage years, my parents threw the word “co-dependent” around.  They had gotten a bit of counselling and had taken on some handy lingo including this word.  I can’t remember what their exact ideas about co-dependency were, but I do remember it always had to do with “the other parent’s behavior,” or with them letting us know that whatever they themselves did, it couldn’t “make” us feel anyway; rather our feelings were our choice.  In other words, they could be real jerks, but it was our choice to feel angry or hurt in response their behavior.  Yes, for them “codependent” was sophisticated term that gave them further permission to abdicate all responsibility for themselves.

                            

I hated the word.  Really hated it.  And that is unfortunate . . . because it is only now, at age 40, that I have returned to that word to discover what it really means and have found within it a wealth of insight and understanding.  Robert Subby, author of Lost in the Shuffle: The Co-dependent Reality says this:

“Co-dependency” is the denial or repression of the real self.  It is based on the wrong belief that love, acceptance, security, success, closeness and salvation are all dependent upon one’s ability to do “the right thing.”

What this blog is about . . .

I am hopeful this blog will be a safe place to think about, reflect on, contemplate, and wrestle in the open with broken relationships.  The world of relationships seems to be a super messy mess, and sometimes it seems as if there is no safe place even to assess the mess.  The pressure to be happy, find peace within, move on, forgive and forget, let go, get over it, act like Jesus for God's sake!--feels pretty intense and that pressure becomes yet another source of pain, giving rise to more feelings of failure.