The Wacked Out Rules of a Codependent System

Before it occurred to me to explore family roles and discovered I was a scapegoat, I was simply reading about codependent family patterns, which brought Ah ha! moment after ah ha! moment for me.  I saw the rules of codependent families and thought, “Oooh, I never learned those rules!  Forget actually following  them!”  Now I can add to my understanding of the rules, that it was my breaking of those very rules that made me a prime candidate for the role of scapegoat.  Robert Subby in his book Lost in the Shuffle: The Codependent Reality, lists the rules as follows:

                    

1. It’s not okay to talk about problems.
2. It’s not okay to talk about or express our feelings openly.
3. Communication is best if indirect, with something or someone acting as messenger   between two other people.  This is called triangulation.  It’s you and me and the kids; you and me and the job; you and me and the checkbook; never just you and me.
4. Unrealistic expectations – Always be strong, always be good, always be perfect, always be happy.
5. Don’t be selfish.
6. Do as I say, not as I do.
7. It’s not okay to play or be playful.
8. Don’t rock the boat.
9. Don’t talk about sex.

In my family, rules 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 were to be upheld religiously by all, with the exception of my mother.  It seems to me that the rules were actually there in order to control the rest of us, giving her the freedom to go unchecked in her behavior .  (As I sit here writing this, fear literally overcomes me.  My mother would go into a crazy rage if she ever read these words.)  Back to me and the rules, I broke them.  I didn’t know they were there . . . so, of course, I broke them.  Even if I had known they existed, I might have continued breaking them because at a deep level they seem so wrong to me (again, part of the reason I got the scapegoat role), but at least I would have understood what was happening to me.  As it has been, I have just blundered along, sure that if I did things well (“well”—meaning right and good in every way) with my family of origins, things would be different for me.

Even as recently as a month ago, I was feeling very hurt and frustrated by some things my mother had said.  I reasoned, “in healthy relationships people express what hurts, people talk about things, people offer each other apologies and express empathy and understanding.”  Apologies are simple and easy.  Just an “oh crap, I didn’t mean it that way.  I’m so sorry” is all it takes.  This is how my husband and I do it.  This is how our children interact with us.  Talking is absolutely normal and the way to build strong relationships.  Yes, I was sure of it!  And with this logic, I was sure that if I called my mother without anger, without a demand for an apology, and with an openhearted and honest expression of what I was feeling, she would likely say, “oh, yes . . . I get that . . . I am really sorry.”  I had been distant and put out in the weeks preceding, and had even skipped out on a family gathering, so that wasn’t a great set-up for the phone call; but I still believed if I called with a sense of openness and without any anger, I might be heard and it would feel good to both of us to talk and move on.

To help this go well, I even sat and practiced EFT (emotional freedom technique) before I made the phone call, going through phrases like, “I trust my ability to speak openly and kindly about my feelings and to speak without hurting others” (because surely that is what has gotten me into trouble all these years, my way of addressing things).  I planned what I would say: I would speak of my pain and my feelings, staying completely clear of any accusations. 

I made the call.  Could I even overdramatize the results if I tried!  Bitter angry yelling—“Everyone walks on eggshells because of you!” and “You are just like your father!” (he is dead, let him rest in peace already!).  Old wounds wildly ripped open, and me left feeling like a bloody heap of nothing.  

Not knowing anything about dysfunctional family rules and systems at that point, I was devastated.  I laid on my basement floor sobbing, telling God I couldn’t take this life anymore.  How had I landed here again?  Deep shame and a sense of worthlessness overcame me. 

Today, just a month later, I understand for the first time.  Now I know the rules.  I can see that I break them.  I can see that my breaking these rules is why I am always in trouble.  And what do I have to say about it?  Those rules are crap!  I’m not having anything to do with them!  May I forever be in trouble if the alternative is that crazy list! 

I declare to myself and to other scapegoats and sufferers of codependent systems that expressing our feelings is important, healthy, and the functional thing to do in this world!  It is an essential part of healthy, happy relationships.  And, for goodness sake, if I ever see the catharsis of expressing my feelings to my dysfunctional family members as worth the brewhaha it causes, I am going for it!  And if I do, I am not going to take the shame that gets heaped on me for it.  I will recognize that I am just being normal in an abnormal system.  I will own my strength and hold my head high.