Two
weeks ago, after some reading on dysfunctional families, it occurred to me to
Google “scapegoat.” Wow! . . . I could never have imagined what I would find with that one Google search. I found myself! How many hours have
I spent staring at a screen since then!
. . . reading about the characteristics of the scapegoat, how the family
uses the scapegoat for its purposes, how to escape being the scapegoat, the
effects of having been the scapegoat and on and on.
It
seems I have spent my whole life trying to find my way around with a blindfold
on, always disoriented, always confused, and always trying so very hard to
figure it out, and always knowing there must be something innately wrong with
me or else I would be “getting it.”
Now
the blindfold is off! In a small way,
this must be what it is like when a blind person is given sight. Amazing, but almost too much. I just keep crying and crying.
All
of the mucky, yucky stories from my childhood look so different now. As I think through the stories, I keep
saying, “oh!” and “of course” and “wow” and most of all “it really wasn’t about
me, after all.” If it is the truth that
sets us free, then maybe I’m a bit freer today? I think I am, but it is still so hard to grasp.
There
is just so much pain. I keep thinking of
the scapegoat stories of others online.
Everyone’s pain is so desperately deep.
Everyone has stories to tell. Maybe
scapegoats have so many stories to tell because we have gone our whole lives
without having a voice. I haven’t even
been able to find my voice with myself in the past. How can you find your voice amid the shame
and shunning of your family? When you are being scapegoated, how can you
trust yourself enough to know that what you are feeling is valid and has some
truth in it? In one moment, I could say,
“This is wrong!” and in the next the voices and faces of disgust of the family
that said, “You’re overly sensitive and just need to get over stuff!” filled my
head.
Being
the scapegoat is no small thing. There
are lies others have buried deep in us that need to be dug up and cast out, there
are injustices that need to be brought into the light and called by name so
that healing can happen, and there is grieving to do with regards to our family
systems, which will likely never give us a voice or see us for who we really
are.
In
a new way, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the internet and the ability it
gives people to connect. Now scapegoats
can find their voice among other scapegoats and can finally be heard! We can proclaim and hear the truth
together. Maybe the truth proclaimed by
a whole community of truth tellers really might set us free!
It
is liberating to speak to another scapegoat who believes you and isn’t
wondering what is really going on . . . because, as everyone knows, “It takes
two to tango.” Because, scapegoats know
that in our worlds, it does not take two tango.
They know that whole systems do sometimes single out an individual to oppress and cast away. I am so grateful
for the scapegoat support group I am a part of in which I don’t have to go to
great lengths to convince others of my experiences. I am pretty sure there needs to be a yearly
“Scapegoat Survival Camp” where scapegoats gather and cry and exchange stories
and find our way forward and celebrate who we are! Until then, this internet gathering of
scapegoats is a pretty amazing place to be!
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